Laws About False Teeth – Not Even Your Choppers Are Sacred

photo by Jim Sneddon

While false teeth are not used as widely today as they once were, there are still plenty of people out there who say, “Forget about it, just pull ‘em out and give me some fake ones.”  Aren’t there?  Sure, lots of people do that!  Otherwise why would there be so many Polident commercials?

So, now that I’ve established that this is a worthwhile topic, now I will regale you with awesome, lawsome, totally insane laws regarding false teeth.  Because its important to know about these antiquated laws before you’re faced with your very own choice as to whether or not to keep your own teeth.

First off, if you live in Vermont and you are of the female persuasion, keep in mind that you have to get someone’s special permission before you get dentures.  Your husband’s.  What if you don’t have a husband, you ask?  Then I guess you’re good to go.  I didn’t see any law about having to be married before you got your false teeth, nor did I see any reference to widows.

It always makes me wonder where a law like this comes from.  Since I never promise that any of these laws would ever be enforced (though I don’t promise that they WON’T, either), it’s pretty obvious that the full text and detail of all of these crazy laws isn’t always readily available.  Sometimes it is, which makes for some good reading.  But sometimes it isn’t, which can often make for better reading – especially when one is feeling creative.

For instance, maybe this law came about because Johnny Lawmaker happened to have a wife who happened to have gotten false teeth without his permission.  Say he really liked her real teeth.  Say those original, real teeth are the whole reason he married her.  Like, he has a thing for her real, flawed, probably crooked, probably stained teeth.  Her totally busted grill was, like, his fantasy.  The wife doesn’t know that, because he never told her.  And she gets some advice from a friend or her mom or somebody and decides to surprise her husband with her brand new ivory (because this was probably a long time ago) choppers.  Well, he hates it.  He thinks she’s hideous with her perfectly straight, white teeth and he can’t even stand to look at her anymore.  So he makes a law that all wives have to get permission from their husbands before they get their false teeth.  So no other dude has to go through this terrible trauma.

Incidentally, the way this plays out in my head is that the wife finds some artistic denture-maker and gets some dentures made that look just like her original teeth and she and her husband live happily ever after knowing that he loved her just the way she was (along with possibly having a bad tooth fetish) and that she was beautiful just the way she was.  Heartwarming, isn’t it?

In my extensive research I’ve also come across a law in Nebraska that says that you’re not allowed to have false teeth made out of leather, and one that says that in Massachusetts it is mandatory to take out your false teeth whilst being nakedly intimate with another person.  They said “during sex” but I was trying to class things up – sue me.  Ha!  See what I did there?  SUE me?  Because it’s a website about laws!  Ah, I kill me.  Anywhoo.  I imagine that someone had a very good reason for making up these laws.  I just can’t think of any.  Can you?  Post a comment telling me why you think it was illegal to make false teeth out of leather, and why you think you should have to take out your dentures before sexy time?

We’re waiting to hear from you!